read on to hear my broken thoughts and insanely vague descriptions.

no, but really. stop calling me, 859-6045. i'm near anxiety from hearing my phone buzz. i'm getting a terrible headache, and feel like i'm nearing the edge of a meltdown. please stop, it's not funny, especially since i'm pretty sure who you are.

At least he wasn`t just like
LOL BYE BITCH

ohmygod LOL

i had the weirdest, most enjoyable dream last night and i really want to get it down before i forget.

so, i was at ... school, i guess? i'm not sure. it looked like a mall or center of some sort, since it had fountains and whatnot, and some friends were there... yeah, the mall. alright so i was at the mall -- forgot who with, pretty sure it was a group thing -- when i wandered off, and witnessed a bunch of boba fetts terrorize the people and i freaked out cuz they were everywhere, so i ran behind a fountain and saw meredith and melissa just chillin' there, leaning against the wall with bubble tease. and i, like, hide behind the fountain, and a boba fett came, and i kept moving around the fountain so it wouldn't see me, and i call to mere and mel and they just stood still and he walked away and i was like "what." and they were like "they can't see you when you don't move." and were super chill about it.

i don't remember what happened after, but the next part i remember is this bathroom. some friends and i ran to the bathrooms scared shitless, cuz nobody could help and the bobas were killing or manipulating people or something, and it was tense, cuz we were supposed to stay completely quiet, but then we heard someone else was in the bathroom, and it could've been a human boba fett manipulated, or someone that could attract a boba and i was like "oh noes!" and i ran into the nearest stall and stood up on the toilet seat and prayed for deer life that i wouldn't be killed ("or worse, expelled." sorry, couldn't help it. i knew meredith would be thinking it). And all throughout the time i was like "THE DOCTOR WILL SAVE ME" and -- oh my creyz -- everyone was like "if he hasn't come yet, he doesn't exist." and i had an "i killed mufasa, simba" moment and was like "NOOOOO". so while i was waiting, i heard this beautiful noise and was like "MY DOCTOR HAS COME!!!~!!1!1!" and i broke through the stall and ran out, and saw the Doctor (david tennant, tho.) and he was like "i'm the Doctor. i'm here to help." and he pulled out his sonic screwdriver and soniced the air and stuff and was like "boba fett." and i was like "there's loads!" and he looks at me and is like "there's only one boba fett." and we then realized that all the robot people around us were changed by boba fett to create his army. then the Doctor goes all technical and murmurs about a million things and i'm like "you can stop him right" and he pauses and goes "..weeeell" in his cute ass way (0:14) and then i remembered meredith and melissa and was like "they're blind, Doctor! they use echolocation!" and he grins like "oh this should be fun." then gets all serious again and is like "i need you to avoid any contact with them as you can. if you see one, stay completely still, no matter what. you have to find the power modulator, connect it as many speakers as you can and blast it with my screwdriver." and then he sends me off and he yells, "be careful."

so i do what he says and i'm like "oh no! what if he gets hurt? omgomgomg nooo!" and i encounter many bobas, and they get really close and i'm stuck there trying to stand still while they make this loud noise like a siren on an ambulance. eventually, i connect the sonic screwdriver, press the button and it goes all "bzzzzt" and sonic-y, and this huge wave of sharp, sonic frequency buzzes through the air and all the boba fetts cluth their heads and fall to the ground and i'm just like "lol yey" and then i'm like "DOCTOR!" so i run and we run into each other and i hug him cuz he's just such a huggable person. and then we go off in the tardis <3

"what is it between us now? we like almost never talk now" i can't believe how selfish i felt before, thinking that i was constantly clingy and needy. i really hate when i always make things about me. but, anyways, while the conversation that followed was slightly awkward, it was nice to be reminded how much you care. it's such a nice feeling. every month around this time, something significant happens, in my eyes; may, you asked me out, june, i felt obsessed, july, i'm reminded. (: and i wasn't expecting a phonecall, today, either! i seriously thought it was a wrong number or your friend stealing your phone, but that conversation was nicer. i never have much to say though, these days; i never know where to begin. but everything's just so lovely! thanks for these two months, for caring and for recreating my impressions of a "boyfriend".

i swear, i used to not be able to go a day without talking to you, or else i'd assume you were tired with me. somewhere between last week and this week, i realized that it's no biggie if you don't talk to me. i've convinced myself you're busy and would break up with me if you didn't like me anymore. so it's been, like, a week and i finally texted you again. it definitely feels better than the awkward, hi-hello conversation when i texted you every day.
anyways, glad i've shrugged off that feeling
xx

it was pretty eventful, for an uneventful day. woke up head throbbing and all -- the usual for this week -- then watched doctor who with my little brother. watched the last of the zoey101 marathon dissatisfied. internet was fine most of the day. AND THEN MY MUM CAME HOME EARLY AND BOUGHT ME TWO SKIRTS THAT LOOK PRETTY NICE. THANKS MUM. talked to him today, okay. SAW SOME GUY ON YO GABBA GABBA THAT USES HIS HANDS TO MAKE MUSIC AND HE HAD THE WEIRDEST FACIAL EXPRESSION. ok that's it.

i feel as if i've outsmarted a god or goddess through some sort of trickery, only to be punished in just as tricky a way -- like when paris made aphrodite his ally, but that turned hera and athena against him, and so he won the beautiful helena, but it caused a war? yeah, kinda like that. cuz, see, i've got a pretty perfect relationship with a guy, but i cannot go a day without living in fear that my obnoxiously affectionate ways are going to be the end of it. i'm constantly under the impression he doesn't like me as much as he did when he told me he liked me. it's nervewrecking and like a trojan horse of problems. but this, in no way, is some sort of foreshadowing to a time where i may end it, since i absolutely adore this kid. and when i decide i really love something, like my dog, there's no way i could ever be mad at it.

i've been listening to you me at six since the summer after the seventh grade.
hardly anyone shared my enjoyment of them.
i recommended them, only to have my best friend tell me she wasn't sure how she felt, then later tell me they were shit because "british people don't have accents when they sing."
YEAH, FUCK YOU CUZ NOW YOU GO AROUND LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW THEM.
and now, i've got people -- MAINSTREAM KIDS -- interested in fucking you me at six.
I SAW THEM IN CONCERT.
I MET THEM.
I GOT THEM TO SIGN A SHIRT I BOUGHT FROM THEM.
i don't want to sound like a fucking, territorial hipster, but don't even dare bullshit anyone and make up shit any of you have listened to them a long time.
WHILE I WAITED IN AN HOUR LONG LINE TO MEET THEM, ON THE FUCKING VERGE OF TEARS. I NEARLY THREW UP AT THE THOUGHT OF LEAVING BEFORE THEM.

and now people are boosting about their love of i see stars?
fuck you.
I OWN A BAND-SIGNED VNECK FROM THEM.
THAT I BOUGHT FROM THEIR FIRST EVER WARPED GIG.
THAT I HAPPENED TO BE UP FRONT FOR.
i'm going to have people thinking i'm selfish, stuck up and a fucking prick for this post, but i have enough dignity to wish my favourite bands only support from people who legitimately discovered them like i did. people who loved them the minute they heard their work. people who aren't liking them to be cool or whateverthefuck.

ohmygod, i'm so excited for this. but not really in the butterflies way -- i only really get butterflies one way now. BUT STILL. I HAVE BEEN WAITING AND DREAMING TO MEET YOU ME AT SIX AND FUCKING OLIVER SYKES FOR AT LEAST A YEAR OR TWO NOW AND IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING. FUCK YES. like, mormon jesus, not gonna lie. MY FIRST CONCERT* AND A HUGE FUCK YOU TO ANYONE WHO THOUGHT I WOULDN'T EVER BE ABLE TO GO TO ONE. YEAH, DAMN STRAIGHT MOFUKKA. <3 i mean, i haven't planned what i'll wear or any of that shit, but i have planned that i'll bring my CHARGED cell phone, a bag of some sort, and all the money i presently have. so that means the dearest to me will possibly get merch. ;) which also means that if my stupid boyfriend** responded to my text, he would have been able to choose between a bring me the horizon bit of merch or an eyes set to kill one. well then, you have no choice.
SO, ANYONE WHO READS THIS, BLOW UP MY PHONE AND MAYBE I'LL GETCHA SOMETHING.
if you pay me back, the odds are higher.
xx


* i actually saw shawn desman live. it was kind of strange. and i met the cast of heroes. and radio free roscoe. but THIS.
** he's actually rather brilliant and a total gift


moving all of my memes to this new blog. i will be keeping here the ones i enjoyed writing, though.

xx

this letter is blank, because -- frankly -- i'd rather not readmit anyone in my life i do not want. (:

dear creeper,

and, no, not you meredith; that annoying blonde idiot who bumbles her way through everyone else's romantic lives because she has none of her own.

honestly, my opinion of you was dead on and never changed.
- obsessed with adam, check.
- obsessed with loucas, check.
- obsessed with trying to be one of the boys, check.
- obsessed with being popular, check.
- incredibly annoying, motherfucking-check.

like, holy shit. having to deal with you in french, trying to make anything adam-related into a big deal -- if i had a gun, my lord, how happy i would have been. but anyways, your presence and obsessions are the basis of every good joke between myself and relatively close friends. yes, that does mean that adam knew you put his initials in your personal message -- did you really think i ever cared to befriend such an idiot?

yes, i told basically everyone i knew that you liked adam and we'd totally make fun of you for it, but in exchange, i told you i liked loucas. LOL, TOO BAD I WAS ALREADY OVER HIM, HUH? and, anyways, you went about and told people i liked him, but it wasn't a big deal since i didn't at all. your truth plus my lies equal win-win for me. you then proceeded to tell me a number of people who liked loucas, and i told one of those people; she was not very pleased at all. and she still isn't pleased, but you wouldn't know that -- i'm still surprised you even know how to spell your name.

i never pretended to like you in the second semester, yet you still were under some strange, twisted perception that i was a friend of yours or something. hilarious. i remember when you asked me, "are you really dating christian micallef?" and i totally pulled a sarcastic bitch move to your face. "well, you know, i was just doublechecking cuz some people blahblahblah".

and did you not notice me making audible remarks about you with victoria whenever you'd pry into her life? of course she didn't have the guts to tell you to back off, and i'm really glad to be so blessed with that ability. like when vickie didn't finish her science review and you made such a big deal, exclaiming "VICKIE? OMG, THAT'S SUCH A FIRST!" and i told you to shut up.

BUT THE KICKER IS WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO SIGN YOUR YEARBOOK. goddam, that was a hilarious play.
"hey, erica, wanna sign my yearbook?" fuck, you made it sound like something i'd want to do. i just had to hold back my laughter, but that didn't prevent the smug smirk on my face when i said "no.".

anyways, here's to much more torment for you. i'd suggest you switch out of any of my classes, because i don't think you've got anything against me, slut.

p.s., yes, i'm a bitch, but at least i'm not a doublefaced cunt who exposes the secrets of her 'friends'. besides, you dress in tight shirts and tna pants to make up for the fact you have not much else. honey, anyone can make trash look nice, but that doesn't change the fact it's completely useless.

xx



dear billy,

i think i can fairly say you trashed my heart. you were my first friend, since we lived in the same apartment growing up, and your mum was pretty close to mine. i still have photos of us together at my birthday parties. i remember how we'd always be together.

i remember specifically one day, when we were playing around in my apartment, and we were running from my grandma, so we hid in my room and locked the door. for some reason, we felt the need to crawl under my bed too. and while my grandma knocked for us to open the door, you gave me a kiss on the cheek.

damn, billy, i loved you. but then, school came around and you started to play basketball. and we talked less. you got so much more popular. eventually, it was like we didn't know each other anymore. and then, one day, you weren't here anymore. i had no fucking clue you were gone until my mum told me. your mum's rent was due and she couldn't pay it, so you two ran off in the middle of the night after flooding the room.

i think the worst of it all is that you never left a proper goodbye, just the mediocre year or so of ignoring our friendship. yeah, that's great. now, i'll never see you again, never speak to you again, and i have a hard time convincing myself you ever existed, sometimes.

thanks for that, billy.

dear ______,

you are an absolute moron, it's not even funny. i've heard of conceited, but there you are, probably the worst. it's funny how you go around telling tall tales about yourself that you ACTUALLY THINK PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE. un-fucking-believable. do you really think the idea of you making out - much less, getting a wanted hug! - with a girl is absolute mindfuckery. i mean, the first thing you tell people when you meet them seems to be either your shit family or your absolute, misunderstood genius and perfect future. i don't know if "over-exaggeration" is a proper term, since i couldn't imagine you fitting into the terms you describe yourself with on even the smallest scales. girls are all over you at parties? really?
that's like telling me you club seals before dinner on wednesday nights.
just the thought is revolting, to say the least, but the fact it's almost absolutely a lie makes me sick.

you honestly remind me of a sick, internet pedophile and for that reason, fool, i'd absolutely adore kicking you in the face. what the hell is your problem, anyways? you ruin or seek to ruin other people's relationships because you think the girls would rather be with you?

I DON'T THINK HELEN KELLER WOULD BE WITH YOU, MUCH LESS A GIRL WITH 20/20 VISION AND PERFECT HEARING.

stop fucking meddling with happy people. stop making expectations through your delusional perspective. you've been chopping the same girl, hopelessly, since the seventh grade: get up and move on. i mean, seriously? "i can relate to jacob black because i know we're meant to be and i have to live with being just a friend while she falls for some other guy". CHEESY SHIT. if she wanted you, she could have you in a goddam heartbeat, so don't even bullshit me. do YOU honestly believe she'd be with a guy like you? she sacrifices enough to befriend you, so i'd say that believing she'd date you is crossing the line. that's like oliver twist asking for more. no. you don't get anymore than that, silly boy, and you never will.

and the way you talk about your "chops" is pathetic. "i think if i tried for her, i could have her" how bout no. i know who practically all the girls you like have crushes on, and they are all way out of your league.

and your stupid searches for attention... you're such an urchin! if you have to force someone to say something caring, that defeats the purpose, dumbass. maybe someone's going to show you affection without you having to tell them you're moving, or doing drugs or contemplating suicide.

don't fucking ask me if i'd be sad if you died, because three people i've known have passed away and, frankly, the morose topic isn't one i'd like to take part of with you. not to mention, i'm a wonderful liar.

so go ahead and light that blunt, wank to the thoughts of your made up stories, or force vickie into pitying you, but know that's the best you'll get.

DAY 12 — LETTER TO THE PERSON YOU HATE THE MOST/CAUSED YOU A LOT OF PAIN.
dear expectations,
you make life so hard. i can't wake up without some expectation for my dad, or sleep without some expectation for the next day. my parents have unrealistic expectations of me, good and bad, and that stress makes me so freaking tired. i expect people to be one way or another and they scarcely fit my predictions. you're the reason for the end of most of my friendships and the beginning of most bad blood. without you, i can't imagine life, though. if i could just NOT think things through. if my parents could just let me live. if i could just let others live. ah, fuck.

DAY 13 — LETTER TO SOMEONE YOU WISH COULD FORGIVE YOU.
dear father,
i’ve done a lot of stupid shit in the past, but i’m a pretty good kid where it counts, you know? i don’t do drugs, smoke or drink, for that matter. i do what i can in school. i find myself always trying to start conversations with you while you just turn them down, like when you’d pick me up from karate and if the ride wasn’t silent, it ended with me screaming in tears. i don’t know why you go out of your way, sometimes, to make me miserable, or why you’re so much more strict when mum’s around.
nevertheless, it would be great of you to forgive me.

DAY 14 — LETTER TO SOMEONE YOU'VE DRIFTED AWAY FROM.
i’m not going to add too much to this, i was pretty much just tired of being dragged along and degraded. i started noticing this around november, to be honest. i ignored you for the most part, but then we had an msn conversation, and i thought everything would be okay. but then you brought her into the conversation, and i was ignored, obviously replaced. whatever, i left it. and remember when i had troubles making friends and you told me you'd ditch me in high school because you'd be "more popular" than me due to all your "older friends"? or maybe when we were talking to ______ and you were making me look worse than you? and then all the "you never recommend me anything good" complaints, when we both know that i showed you plenty of shit that you don't even credit me for. flat out, you just liked to feel better than everyone else. you never told me anything about you, and never really comforted me on any of my worries. if i liked a guy, you'd pretty much make plans with him, or tell me how you guys are now best friends. but you're so extremely fake, too; it makes me sick. stealing youtubers' style and making everyone think you're so goddam original? fuck, you're full of yourself! i remember around the start of grade nine i couldn't even stand to see what you'd write on people's walls. one minute, you'd reject a band, then once ________ told you she liked them, you'd say "oh, it's been a while; i'll give them another listen" - and BAM! rejected band becomes your new favourite. you copied nicole so much it was really lame. i could go on, but i find thinking about when we were "friends" to be a waste of time. i'd rather you stay a nobody to me.

DAY 15 — LETTER TO THE PERSON YOU MISS THE MOST.
dear ______,
i just wish you were still here. i mean, we’re somewhat in contact, but i really doubt it will ever be the same. you were a really good friend and you still are, but i will never know your inside jokes or what goes on in your head anymore. anyways, you were awesome, and so nice for a potential dictator. have a fun future (:

DAY 16 — LETTER TO SOMEONE THAT'S NOT IN YOUR COUNTRY.
dear husky,
gosh, i really do wish there was some what for me to have kept in touch with you after the cruise -- you were so sweet! i remember how jacy, ali and i were walking down one of the cruise corridors and i spotted you walking a bit ahead in a green sweater and black hat. "omg, that guy might be hot; let's follow him" and so we did, up until you went up the stairs and we headed to the deck. bummer. but then we saw you standing by the courts and watching the dodgeball game. i stood by while you and jacy talked. my gosh, you were a cutie for sure. your eyes were such a nice blue, but i'm sad to say i've forgotten your voice. ah, well, i miss you, massachusetts boy, but i'm so much happier now, even if i had a little crush on you we were becoming friends.

DAY 17 — LETTER TO SOMEONE FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD.
dear mariah,
i love you. you’ve always been one of my best friends, even if i moved before the end of grade 4. i mean, DAYUM GURL, we reconnected after all that time and we STILL have so much in common. i think we’re soulmates. we used to sit on the bus ride home, and you’d sing stupid cupid. and i remember when there was that girl shania. okay, i don’t remember much about her. BUT WE HAD SOME PRETTY CRAZY TIMES BRO. kkay

DAY 18 — LETTER TO THE PERSON YOU WISH YOU COULD BE.
dear amy pond/karen gillan,
you're absolutely gorgeous, endearing and have a brilliant scottish accent. not to mention, you're a ginger! and beside all that, you're winning over the hearts of so many whovians so fast. you've survived an encounter with the daleks, the weeping angels and the dream lord. and the icing to the cake? you're positively best friends with matt smith/the doctor. i know how heartbroken you were when you felt your raggedy doctor wouldn't return, and how you don't remember rory, but your life is so wonderful! traveling space and time with the magnificent doctor; while they do say that, after meeting him and seeing so many alternate universes, you'll never be happy with anything else again, but i can't help but wish that i could, as well.

dear hermione granger/emma watson,
i would give anything to be accepted into hogwarts, which is saying a lot with the life i have now. aside from the facts you're absolutely stunning, brilliant, fashionable and best friends with the boy who lived, you've had the opportunity to live my magical dreams. you've held a wand, crossed the hogwarts corridors, dined in the great hall, seen dumbledore and participated in the greatest revolution in wizard history. you're really amazing, and i can't see you possibly being unhappy, ever. and you marry a ginger. <3

DAY 19 — LETTER TO SOMEONE THAT PESTERS YOUR MIND, GOOD OR BAD.
dear yoooooou,

fml, all of these seem to be about you.

OK NOW, WHERE TO BEGIN? well, lately – as in, since after the new york trip – i have found it impossible to keep you off my mind. i mean, like, the frequent texting made me really happy. while i talked to you, i began to wonder if i liked you or if you could have possibly liked me. at that time, i still hopelessly liked that douche, so he was on my mind, but around may, i was pretty much over him. and around midnight of my birthday, i did not remember who that fag was. honestly, now i remember that he said hi to me and the only thing i could think of was how you texted me that thoughtful birthday wish at exact midnight :’) and then, twentyfour hours later, you told me you liked me. BOY, AFTER THAT I CAN FAIRLY SAY I COULDN’T STOP. i thought it was pretty crazy that for once things were working out for me, though… and then, once we were officially together, everything was so sweet. now, i can’t help but constantly think i’m always bugging you when i text you and stuff, but you know all about my paranoia… LOL but sometimes you text ME so it’s all good. so, hopefully you’re not over me yet, cuz i love you too much.