read on to hear my broken thoughts and insanely vague descriptions.

i don't really plan things but
- going to nicole's party and having my first drinks and staying til midnight awwwwyeeeeeeeeee (lol no only faggots say that)
- going to have to STUDY HARD fucking psychiatry, man.
- going to stop chasing guys better than me and try another relationship
- go downtown with meredith
- just chill downtown and go shopping for vintage clothes yeeeeaaaaahhhh

etc etc










[ oo1 ] - surprised myself by making friends in high school
[ oo2 ] - had my first actual relationship and breakup
[ oo3 ] - cut unnecessary things and people from my life, like religion.
[ oo4 ] - went to disneyworld
[ oo5 ] - went on my first cruise
[ oo6 ] - ate and enjoyed escargot
[ oo7 ] - went to my first warped tour/ met two of my favourite bands (and lights)
[ oo8 ] - developed a personality and tastes
[ oo9 ] - finalized my career path
[ o1o ] - realized that losing people doesn't actually hurt, cuz they weren't worth it if they left.

Labels: new year's challenge

Now, sometimes the naïveté of the young man made him the entertainment of a handful of the other workers, not that such was shameful for him for he enjoyed naught more in the world than to please (and to travel and explore architecture, as he very much did enjoy). Around six in the night, the kitchen workers told him they needed more supplies and armed him with a list of ingredients and a pouch of money. ”Please, won’t you help us, bon Nicholas Pierre?” they cooed to him in their thick French accents. It would be very unlike him to turn them down, and in the grand scheme of things their intent wasn’t malicious in the least (half of the ingredients on the list were running short, I suppose), so the young butler took a quick look at his pocketwatch and thought, ”Of course an hour would give me plenty of time, as guests do often arrive fashionably late, do they not?”

like i said i really like this paragraph in particular because the other 1086 words of the document were total shite to me so look at this wow i'm too proud but when i start writing like j.m. barrie or c.s. lewis i get excited!

i couldn't possibly depend on one, so here are a number, in no particular order.
oo1 ; to stop being so afraid.
being life is too short to fear rejection or commitment. i'm in charge of my life, not anyone else, so i shouldn't really worry so much.
oo2 ; to stop surrendering.
if i want something bad enough, i should probably fight for it. not for stupid things in arguments.
oo3 ; to actually keep fit.
i don't think i'll be thin for very long if i don't at least do crunches and stuff and right now i'm pretty fit -- i'd like to stay that way.
oo4 ; to stop being lovelorn.
i'm ashamed at how lonely i feel sometimes, despite the fact that i've got plenty of friends. i need to stop being so in love with love.
oo5 ; to think before acting more.
i'm too spontaneous and i really don't like it because it gives me so many regrets. i've already stopped speaking out unless i really have a point to contribute to conversation, but aside from that, my actions are out of hand.
oo6 ; to be less inhibited.
while i do want to think before acting, i still want to remind myself to look back at 1.
oo7 ; to stop pushing people away.
when i start talking to a guy and he starts showing affection toward me, i feel claustrophobic and end up ignoring him because i don't want to be tied down so easily. i think i enjoy the thrill of the chase so much more and, perhaps, want more for a guy i fancy to give me a chance than to give a chance to someone who fancies me. it's too safe, the latter, but i need to give people chances.
oo8 ; to keep my anger in check.
i get far too pissed off to enjoy my life.
oo9 ; to let go.
i'm like a fucking child and when i really like something, i don't want to give it up. i need to remember there are greater things in life and out of 8bill people, there's surely someone out there for me.
o1o ; to focus.
if i want to get in medical school, i'll be competing against people with perfect gpa's and mine is definitely less than 4.o, i'm pretty sure. i have to stop procrastinating and give myself a slap on the wrist when i do less than perfect.


or not so quick. anyways, it's like this:

so, i have this heart and it's all grand and merry, pumping blood and oxygen and shit everywhere -- awesome. so when i meet someone, it's like this tiny needle is being pricked into my heart, with their name on it. it doesn't hurt -- it's like the metaphorical acupuncture i've never had, and never intend to -- and it's like the needle stays in. the longer it stays, the more it grows, so to speak. so, let's say i have a conversation with a kind old man at a park that's more sincere than forced; when we part ways, it's like the needle leaves too and it barely even stings -- it's wee like a mosquito bite -- and it heals quickly, and i forget him. what we talked about, what he looked like, what he was doing, why i started talking to him; all gone.

but with people who stay in my life longer, it's far more difficult. their little needles dig deeper, grow wider. and then, through everything, they leave. but yanking out that not-so-little-anymore needle hurts far more than the sliver of a mosquito. i don't want to get rid of it at all. it's like a bandage i'm afraid to rid myself of. but the more i hold onto it, the harder it becomes to get rid of. but when i finally have the tenacity to get rid of it -- oh, it hurts too much to bear. i'll cry myself to sleep at the mere thought of that ache, fail to find any joy in a life without the owner of that giant plug of a needle, and try to find quick methods to heal. only time can heal some things properly, though.

i've already properly rid myself of one needle, but now i've got another. and i can feel it growing and already start dreading losing it. to be frank, i don't want to waste my time putting so much care into something so apathetic -- something that'll leave so soon. something that probably cares little for me in comparison to how much i care for it. ok, him. i don't know what causes me to objectify him, but whatever. i'm pathetic. i need to move on.

yesterday i went to howard's house with gill and andrea and it was pretty cool, actually. like, yeah c: he's a really cool guy. lal, i told him i rarely get to go to dimsum and he said he'd take me. HONESTLY HOW SWEET IS THIS LITTLE CHEF?

anyways, today my mum brought up that she bought me a gift cuz she wanted to give it to me but i told her i'd wait
- it's something teenagers like
- it's not toys (lol)
- it's not clothes
- it was expensive (which means it was probably at least $20)
- she's excited to give it

I WAS NOT EXPECTING A GIFT! but what could it be? omg.

also, there's a little boy hanging out at my house and HE IS THE CUTEST THING. I WAS OBSESSING OVER HIM WHEN I SAW HIM AT MY BROTHER'S PARTY BUT LDKGJLERGJLERJGERLG
his name is spencer and he has this little lisp. he says "tuddle" and "febwuawy" and such omg. he said his birthday is in febwawy but he doesn't know what day. "maybe the 10th" so aquarius lalalalalal. he LOVES star wars as much as melissa and wow that already makes him cool. and he has golden fleece like hair and blue eyes and he's wearing a plain red jumper and aw he's the cutest. but my brother's, of course, being an arrogant, bossy little thing who wants to play his 1-player video games while spencer wants to play with the toys and OMG JORDAN LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS OR HE'LL HATE ME (AND YOU) FOREVER )':

i'm going to try and stop obsessing over someone else this christmas break since i'm an affection-seeking little jerk. honestly he told me i was selfish for wanting a hug SO THAT MEANS HE DOESN'T WANT TO HUG ME AND I'M FORCING HIM TO, RIGHT? ): but he gave me a hug the next day idk idk i hope he gets better but if he ever finds this i am toast he's really cute you know.

GLAD TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

Why you kissed the last person you kissed?

because i really liked him

Tell me the truth, why did you fall for your last ex?

he was nice, sweet, funny, a great listener, cute, etc.

Are you afraid of losing the last person you talked to?

i don't worry too much about these things.

Is anything bothering you?

yes.

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

i don't remember, but it probably had to do with the fact that i was so tired.

Is anyone else in the room with you?

nope.

Who was the last person you had a conversation with on the phone?

the school's automated service man. i always greet before i actually hear the recording.

What does your last recieved text message say?

it's just from nicole, telling me she wasn't home (so to have our parents chat in the morning or something)

Would you ever get a tattoo?

i'm planning on it, just hesitant about my pain tolerance.

What are you most anxious/excited for?

nicole's birthday party/sleepover. hopefully my parents let me crash at her place.

What is your favorite drink?

maybe chocolate milk. probably raspberry iced tea.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?

"he's not going to come to school today." or "brendon urie, get in me" (i woke up to panic, dont kill me)

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?

sure, it's great, i guess, but i'd probably be happier if my life wasn't wrapped in such a veil of confusion. i like knowing where i stand with people or else i'll just assume i'm coming off as a prick.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?

nicole? nope.

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?

not in front of them ever.

Whats something you do when you're mad?

at school, i stop talking and just try to calm myself, or i piss off. at home, i'm generally irritable, so i put on something to entertain me.

How do you feel about your hair right now?

it smells nice. i washed it last night but didn't bother to brush it or anything. i never do.

What’s on your mind?

i need to finish watching dexter, i left the episode open. my break will be monotonous and sacrificial. i need to wrap my brother's gift. i want to get it off my chest. i'm afraid of the weekends. i want to watch a good film. is my tolerance to gore higher? maybe i should watch saw or something -- and i'll cut off there.

Have you done something bad today?

skipped two periods of class to go to an early lunch and howard's house. then i lied about it, obv. also, i'm still coveting about nicole's party.

Are you jealous of someone right now

i'm jealous of some people i see on tumblr since they're so perfect and such.

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

nope.

Do you ever keep arguing when you know you're wrong?

if i were wrong, i wouldn't begin arguing.

What’s one word to describe you?

loveless.

What are your plans for this weekend?

stay home, watch dexter, do chores, wash dog, play piano.

Did you date someone you regret dating?

i pity dated someone in grade 7 or 8

Get asked anything ridiculous lately?

ok not ridiculous, but i told him i wanted a hug "just a hug!" and he replied seriously with "are you sure that's really all you want?" i have no clue what he implied, if he knew i like him, and it's way out of time bounds for me to tell him.

As of today, do you like anyone?

i used to deny it a lot, but yes. yes i do.

When's the last time you cried over the opposite sex?

back in summer. haven't really cried since.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours?

no.

Do you like your first name?

it's dainty.

Do you like to cuddle?

probably. i strive for physical contact.

What are your initials?

emf

Married?

divorced

How would you feel if your last ex fell in love with someone else?

i don't care, because i've definitely moved on, too.

Are you in a good mood right now?

no.

Who was the last person you spoke on the phone with for over an hour?

don't remember.

Do you need to say anything to someone?

YES.

Have you ever been a gymnast or a cheerleader?

i wish. they're all fitties.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
Symptoms
A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost

shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)

is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)

is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification

is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value

is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things

adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes

shows rigidity and stubbornness

Schizoid Personality Disorder Symptoms
A pervasive pattern of detachment from social relationships and a restricted range of expression of emotions in interpersonal settings, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family

almost always chooses solitary activities

has little, if any, interest in having sexual experiences with another person

takes pleasure in few, if any, activities

lacks close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives

appears indifferent to the praise or criticism of others

shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

whites are motivated by Peace. They seek independence and require kindness. They resist confrontation at all costs. To them, feeling good is more important than being good. They are typically quiet by nature, process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. Of all the colors, whites are the best listeners. They respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle.

inaccurate, or else i'm bipolar.

you're honestly really pissing me off
you just talk, and talk, and talk
and you talk shit and more shit
and yes, you're happy, but i really
REALLY don't need to hear a whole talk about how warm her ass feels or how hot you guys get
i also don't need to hear you constantly degrade a girl that you treat normally
it sends a chill down my spine
infatuated or not, your personality's a bugger
you just talk shit about so many people that you're generally nice to!
maybe, if i'm lucky you'll remember to ask about my day or something, but i'd rather not tell you anything if you're just tap-tap-tapping on your cellular.
don't ask if you're not interested.
a friend of mine has an accident and goes to the hospital and all you can do is insult him for his what he was doing. "how do you get an injury from a chisel?" well, gee, i don't know, maybe the same way people fall off ladders and get in car accidents? maybe you should ask the other kid, to whom the exact incident happened just a short while later.
you grate on my nerves right now.
i'm wondering if it's better to walk home alone after band instead of going with you, because last thursday i had a pretty lovely, peaceful walk.

He wasn’t shot, didn’t get in a bar fight, wasn’t put to sleep during the Spanish Influenza.

It was lung cancer that did him in.

Since Silas was around fifteen he found comfort in nicotine – oh, sweet cigarettes. Perhaps it was the lack of attention at home, or the stress at school, or peer pressure, but nowadays he couldn’t even remember anymore. All he knew was that they put him on his deathbed at the ripe age of just twenty-six. Sure, maybe it was the fact he used his parents’ wealthy assets to pick up packs of Camel and Marlboro that he’d chain smoke while skipping class to laze about Leicester Square, but only twenty-six years? Damn, that wasn’t such a fair bargain! The boy barely even had a living; he didn’t marry his high school sweetheart, elope to California or have wee little tykes running about him. He didn’t even bother going to university. ”Life’s too fucking short!” he’d say. Reckon he was right about that – would’ve been a waste to spend years in educational establishment after establishment, learning the rules of life and the textbook descriptions instead of just live and let die, like he did.

Albeit, even on his deathbed, while his mother wept at his side and his father held her, while he took his last breath and glanced up at the heart rate monitor, one thing remained constant: he wouldn’t rewrite anything if he could. That was his life how he wanted it. As the tears soaked his cheeks when at last he realized his wheezing, mortal body would never open its blue eyes again, he welcomed death. ”Fuck it,” he thought. ”Fuck it all.” Hell, for dramatic effect, maybe he would’ve even celebrated his “procession into eternal living” with another cancer stick – just for kicks – but he was out like a candle in the wind.

And then, he came back.

You see, Silas Julian Sheffield was never a religious boy and neither were his parents; nihilists, the bunch of them. The boy simply didn’t believe all the slander preached on Sundays about the immortal life and the All-Forgiving God (who would still send you to hell if you didn’t follow his little rules)... That is, until it happened to him.

It was like waiting in traffic without the radio, the seats or the company for more or less eighty years – more or less because, frankly, who has time to count years? It certainly wasn’t a skill that Silas possessed. The wait was nice though; not as tedious as it would sound. Not like prison. For him, this waiting line to heaven was equivalent to waking up early on a school day, but finding out the schools are closed. Sleep, sleep, twiddle thumbs, lie in bed, stare at the ceiling, try lucid dreaming, try nothing at all. There wasn’t anything to do and no pressure whatsoever.

All he needed were some Sloans or something and he’d be a happy bloody camper.

Lo and behold, there it was – the wait was over. Maybe not the gates of white he had expected, but he was an angel. That was, like, a whole level above saints, right? No martyrdom necessary! Perhaps he’d even get to impregnate a young virgin with the next son of God. And he didn’t have to do a thing, right?

WRONG.

Before he can step his sneakers onto blessed land, he’s sent back down to earth. Why would someone wait eighty years in a lineup and then just not do anything? Apparently he didn’t learn valuable lessons. Didn’t he get purgatory or something for that? He didn’t even have a chance to see what his sweet-ass wings looked like. What a stick in the knickers. Back on earth, whoop-dee-doo.


Silas had no clue where he was going, to be honest. The big man didn’t tell him much – all for the mysterious, proverbial pseudo-answers. The wind drifted around him as he looked up and down streets like a newborn. Technically, maybe you could say he was such – new born, only not. He had no clue where he was, actually. The front page of a newspaper caught itself under the toes of his shoes and he looked down to read the easily distinguishable NEW YORK TIMES. A message from God, clearly; in thankful revelry, he gave the sky a great big thumbs up, sarcastic for the most part.

Thin, ivory fingers slipped into the back pocket of his trousers and latched onto a carton of cigarettes and what felt like a few wads of billed currency. Ah, that was much better. Now all he needed was a light and he was good. And as luck or God Himself would have it, Silas could make out the tantalizing scent of his favourite drug and the silhouette of a woman up ahead. Once he was nearer, he joined her, easily. But before he could introduce himself, his nose twitched and he caught a whiff of her. ”You smell like a proper mojito, don’t you know?” His voice was husky and accented, highlighting his outright impulsive attitude to a tee. ”You don’t happen to have a lighter or a match on you, yeah?” Hey, he lived life once already – God never said he had to be well-liked.

The power of your imagination can reach depths that others hardly imagine is possible. You can grasp concepts from the beyond and usually utilise a very strong psychic or intuitive power within you. In doing so it is important to distinguish between practical, creative thought and simply wasteful fantasy which may destroy your willpower and your ability to practically achieve anything of worth in the future.

From an early age you have fantasised about distant places, journeys and travels and those places may even be the Third World continents or mysterious and sometimes uncharted areas of our planet. You have a compassionate nature and may utilise the desire for travel with some desire to assist the needy in those distant places.

Your lucky colours are the darker green shades.

Your lucky gems are turquoise, cats eye chrysoberyl, tigers eye.

Your lucky days of the week are Mondays and Thursdays.

Your lucky numbers and years of important change are 7 , 16, 25, 34, 43, 52, 61, 70, 79.

this month last year i was:
- in like with a guy who was TOTALLY WRONG FOR ME
- he was a flirty little bad boy oh lordy
- bee-eff-effs with adam muzik
- ace in french
- nervous and prepping for the christmas concert -- thinking that o tannenbaum was the hardest in the world
- thinking about how i had to play minuet for my cpt in music!
- realizing my "best friend" was a total bitch
- giving her another chance anyways
- watching her replace me and actually feeling hurt
- waiting for the bus to get home straight after school every day

this month, this year:
- i'm in like with a guy i CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF
- he's completely adorable and just a wonderful person
- not best friends with anyone
- ace in science and music
- christmas concert done -- and it was wonderful
- thinking about how different next semester will be ):
- realizing i have a secret admirer who is adorable
- adopting a more hedonistic nature
- being undermined in every sense, but not giving a fuck
- planning on spending my wednesday after school christmas shopping with the guy i quite fancy

if i could go back and view the halls as i did before, as an intimidated little niner knowing nobody but the people who have spoken with me in my classes, i'd probably be able to point out more people. like, wow. for example, one guy i would see here and there but i didn't even know his name, and now i see him every day and enjoy him a lot more than i could have ever intended. another guy was just a kid in my class who i ended up falling in love with over the course of the mid-springtime and -- wow -- now i'm not only over him, but hardly friends. it's weird, to be honest, how so much changes.

anyways, my horoscope for today was INACCURATE since nobody confessed their love for me (sigh) but that is alright because yeah it was an okay day. i liked the christmas concert, though, because i looked pretty. really pretty. i am not being cocky or sarcastic -- my hair was really nice and i got compliments from older kids. wow man, accomplished, lal. i spent the entire night within proximity of him and i thoroughly enjoyed it. oh, and howard. howard was lals too. i love howard

have i ever mentioned my love of tonzies, though? i doubt it. he's always just wonderful, though. like, when i sat next to him on the bus to the remembrance day celebration and fell asleep, he made sure i didn't fall over. and he gives me hugs when i need them and asks me about my day. TRISHA ARMENA YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL COUSIN.