read on to hear my broken thoughts and insanely vague descriptions.

"God, he says, either wishes to take away evils, and is unable;
or He is able, and is unwilling;
or He is neither willing nor able,
or He is both willing and able.

If He is willing and is unable, He is feeble, which is not in accordance with the character of God;
if He is able and unwilling, He is envious, which is equally at variance with God;
if He is neither willing nor able, He is both envious and feeble, and therefore not God;
if He is both willing and able, which alone is suitable to God, from what source then are evils? or why does He not remove them?"

anyways, i've been really happy lately, because i've managed to somehow put my worrisome little problems in perspective with everything else.

all things considered, my life is pretty great: i've met some amazing people, i've gotten rid of some terrible ones, i'm healthy, i've discovered a personality and a set of beliefs, and sometimes people tell me i'm amazing, which is nice.

sure, i adore him and we're nowhere near where we used to be, but life's too short for me to cry myself to sleep, worry about what to say, or try and move on. i love him and i accept it with a shrug. it's alright if he's moved on, it'll hurt me when he finds someone better, but right now it's enough just being able to see him. something about seeing -- and occasionally texting with -- that little midget is enough to make me happy, and even if i don't talk to or look at him when we're within proximity of each other, i enjoy being around him.

cool, cool.

sometimes i think it's weird, you know? i look back at all our old text messages, and it just makes me feel lucky to have met someone as awesome as him, because there isn't anyone else i've gotten able to know so well, who cares enough to remember little points on my life. i mean, where else am i supposed to find a guy who understands what i mean when i remark on pokemon? jesus christ, some people these days don't even know who freaking chimchar is.

and that purple monkey is the only stuffed toy i consistently hug every night.



honestly this is killing me now
my hands are shaking with butterflies and i want to throw up
i feel like i've lost someone so close to me
and i have
how could i possibly get over that and act like everything's fine?
i feel like shit.

back when we talked, way back in, like, may, the thought of liking you crossed my mind
but i totally brushed it off
like, no. i couldn't like you!
you were silly and sweet
and eventually i realized that's what i liked about you
and honestly i'm not going to lie -- i didn't want to like you because you were short
LMFAOLMFAO
but after denying it and contradicting myself for so long
i just can't get over you
i can't even try to
like even if i'm just sitting here with my eyes welling
i can't forget those stupid times that were so wonderful to me
and still are so wonderful
i walk home everyday down the same fucking path
remembering that time you biked me home and fell off twice
and actually asked me out on a date properly
aw, gosh.
for such an annoying little thing, you were my favourite thing about myself at a time
the fact i was so lucky to have someone like you

i'm so sorry i was selfish and couldn't see that maybe i wasn't the only one happy
i'm sorry for not trying hard enough, or rather trying too hard to not try enough
i honestly wish i hadn't worried so much
like, god, what gets me is how i still have that message saved
the one you sent me two days before you broke up with me
"what is it between us now? we like almost never talk anymore :/"
what would've happened if i had tried harder?
i swear we talked on the phone the day after that too, and it was an okay conversation
except obviously you didn't feel that way, since it didn't stop you from ending it
and i'm so sorry i'm only seeing how fucked up i was now
i was too much, i know

i'm mostly sorry that you're already over me, because it'll take me a long while before i can ever move on.

She was always far too joyful for her own good when she was intoxicated. Albeit, that was the obvious reason she did them at all. Her head felt light, her eyes unfocused, and everything was amplified, but gently so; colours were somewhat brighter, sounds were somewhat nicer. Yet, at the same time, she was completely and totally numb. She was like a robot of the most flexible sort, without the slightest goal or order; just an animated figure living off of the free thoughts and needs of the moment. Anastazja didn’t have to plan anything (as if she had a strong ability to!) and not a thought was spent lingering on past or future.

“Isn’t it a little early to put on your dance shoes now?”

She flinched at the sound of that voice, and her fabricated happiness faltered for a minute, as her smile fell and her gaze dropped to the food in her shaking hands. Her teeth bit her lip; Ana hated him for his cruelty, and how insecure she made her. He knew the Achilles’ heel to her seemingly impenetrable armour, and considered it a casual sport, aiming whatever he liked her way. He didn’t even wait for a reaction, didn’t stop to look at the trouble he’d cause. His voice just bounced off the walls of her mind like an annoying tennis ball. This was so routine to her – but for some reason, it drew her in like the highest grade lure.

Soon enough, though, the drugs picked up again and it was like he had never passed by, despite the slight drumming of nerves in her fingers. She turned back to Dante, and then to Demitri. ”I’m afraid I’ll have to run off for the third time this morning!” Her head tilted a fraction to the right as her eyes slowly wandered to the sky. ”Bummer... How fast the time goes...” Her lips parted again in a breathy sigh, before the distant sound of a door slamming caused her to jump up and snap back to reality. ”But, oh! I’ll see you later, I promise! And you can always text me and I will always reply!” She added emphasis to her words sometimes, giving each phrase a sort of rhythm, measured by the minute twitch of her fingertips, or tap of her toes against the ground. She didn’t hesitate to hug her friend, place a kiss upon both cheeks and nod toward the teacher again, in a somewhat lazy adieu (though apologetically so).

Her feet made pleasant beats as Ana skipped across the pavement, twirling every now and again to make sure her dear Dante was following her. She hadn’t a clue where she was going, or what her friend had in mind, but she knew it would be great fun! He was like her protector, and she loved him so!

suddenly i just want to throw up. i feel like i'm being mocked somehow. probably isn't even directed at me but, fuck. looking back on things, did you mean it?


anyways, i'm going to get back to writing. i was totally heartbroken when the pages upon pages of shit i wrote were lost, and rendered unobtainable on that stupid excuse of a laptop, but i'm going to start over. i doubt i'll even look back on what i wrote before.
this will be less two-dimensional.
it will be in three perspectives.
it will still follow the same plot as before.
changes will be made to the main character, as well as names.

ok?



i have so much anxiety right now it's not even funny
i don't even mean that in an attention-seeking, "i have mental disorders help me" way
i mean anxiety as in, i'm really anxious
i've got nerves buzzing in my hands and stomach like butterflies
but they're not good ones
they're spurned by constant fucking reminders
and it hurts
it hurts really bad
i just want to cry, and scream, and i don't even know anymore
like, i think it's just thinking about things
i'm fine at school
i'm happy at school
i'm laughing at school
but it's always so awkward, because he's there
and he obviously is completely done with me
he doesn't even look my way or anything
and i just miss being his friend, because he was the best.
it's not even just trivial, teenage issues.
i'm pretty sure of other issues in my life
but i don't think i'm ready to put those issues down for quick glances to catch
i don't want to start a fuss, just to be completely wrong

i'm just a worrisome twat.

1) I AM NOT FUCKING DEPRESSED.
just because i don't feel the need to speak when i've nothing important on my mind doesn't mean i'm depressed or sad. honestly, i'm having a bundle of laughs. most of the time, anyways. i'm happy - i've realized some things i want, and decided what's not necessary! it's like clearing out my computer folder of crap! it just leaves me with this feeling of accomplishment! well, yes, in second period i don't talk because my class has absolutely no one i feel the need to talk to, within proximity, but that doesn't make me sad - that makes me condescending and annoyed.

2) WHAT
you're the one pushing me away, stop trying to make an effort to talk to me until you're positive you're not just going to ditch me again, please. just because you like her, didn't really mean you could talk about how much you miss me one minute, and then suddenly ignore me when i'm finally right next to you. like, fuck it. i'm not saying to choose between us, i'm just saying to decide whether you have time on your hands to be a lasting friend to me again.

3) OH DAMN
i miss you, yeah, but i could never possibly ever be with you again. things didn't work out. i felt distance WAY before you called it off. i was totally fine with the breakup, except i'm pretty sure your excuse was just an excuse. if you really wanted us to stay friends, where's the effort you used to always put in. it was always i'll try and you always did mean it, so i guess you just don't want me to be your friend. that's cool, i guess.

4) HHHHHHH...
no appealing guys this year. sad face. i mean, except that guy i once walked around the school with during class. i mean, yeah, i have a bit too much care for that guy, but it's probably more of a "I WANT TO BE A CLOSE FRIEND OF YOURS WITHOUT ENDING UP IN A RELATIONSHIP AT ALL". aw, i just want to hug him, he's sweet. ANYWAYS, i probably won't end up dating anyone from our school. bummer. l o l

- i don't want to talk to people again
- i don't want to see people again
- i don't want to listen to the morning reflections
- i don't want to feel like a religious traitor
- i don't want to be put in a room filled with religious traitors
- i don't want to put up with the shrieks of excitement
- i don't want to watch students be asses to their teachers because they think it's cool
- i don't want to spend six hours without music
- i don't want to be hungry because i can't use the microwave
- i don't want people asking me for shit because they know i won't say no
- i don't want to hurt people when i do finally say no
- i don't want to try and understand what people mean when they talk music or television
- i don't want to pretend something someone says is funny
- i don't want to make eye contact with people
- i don't want to keep my rage pent up again
- i don't want to suddenly burst out in rage
- i don't want to push people away
- i don't want to draw people in

on the floors of tokyo-oh
or down in london town to go-go
with the record selection with the mirror reflection
imma dancin' with myse-elf

when there's no-one else in si-ight
in the crowded lonely ni-ight
well i wait so long for my love vibration and i'm dancin' with myse-elf

oh-oh a-dancin' with myse-elf
oh-oh a-dancin' with myse-elf
well there's nothin' to lose and there's nothing to prove i'll be dancin' with myse-elf

if i looked all over the wo-orld
and there's ev'ry type of gi-irl
but your empty eyes seem to pass me by and leave me dancin' with myself

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance, and i'll be dancin' with myse-elf

oh-oh a-dancin' with myse-elf
oh-oh a-dancing with myse-elf
well there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove well i'm dancing with myself

{dance... dancee... dance... dance... }

if i looked all over the wo-orld
and there's every type of gi-irl
but your empty eyes seem to pass me by and leave me dancin' with myse-elf

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance and i'll be dancing with myse-elf

oh-oh a-dancin' with myse-elf
oh-oh a-dancing with myse-elf
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to daaaaaaaaaaance~

oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh

dancin' with myse-elf
dancin' with myse-elf
dancin' with myse-elf
dancin' with myse-elf

oh oh ooooooooooooooh~

if i looked all over the wo-orld
and there's every type of gi-irl
but your empty eyes seem to pass me by and leave me dancin' with myse-elf

so let's sink another drink
'cause it'll give me time to thi-ink
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance and i'll be dancing with myse-elf

oh-oh a-dancin' with myse-elf
oh-oh a-dancing with myse-elf
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to dance
if i had the chance, i'd ask the world to daaaaaaaaaaance~

oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh oh oh ohoh dancin' with myse-elf

and i'll sweat
and i'll sweat
and i'll sweat
sweat sweat
sweat sweat sweat sweat~

i have more respect for people on tumblr than in real life, and i can often find myself relating and enjoying people more when they're on the internet. i am more comfortable, it seems, being on a first name basis with kids a thousand kilometers away than those in my school.

:O
suddenly it's like i'm learning so many things about myself, just by thinking away from the limits school implies. i've come up with what i would possibly want in a relationship, what i think of certain controversial topics, what i really feel about people, what i think about myself and other such things. i've made a number of decisions and changes with and to my life and school hasn't even begin -- possibly just this course of a few months, i can't help but wonder if i've changed for the better, the worse, or the mellow. it's all just a very big surprise.

__
right now, i'm feeling pretty blank. blank and undecided with things. i've realized i get a headrush at the thought of a relationship and the thought makes me a little sick at the moment. at the same time, i feel a little lonely - just a little. i mean, it's like everyone has everywhere to go and i've got nowhere. people have their STATIC groups of friends and i've only got a few, light friend groups. i don't know, i just feel like a change.


these are just immediate points of interest, not strict specifications ok.

[one.] skinny white boys. while muscle can be nice, i like the definition of bones. bones, in moderation, to me are gorgeous. collarbones and high cheekbones and a defined jawline and piano fingers are amazing.

[two.] longish hair brushing into the eyes. i really like that, especially if the eyes are colourful and the hair is dark. it also helps loads if the hair isn't greasy -- who likes greasy hair?

[three.] old souls. god, i love old souls. guys playing pianos or drums, reading books, wearing thick-rimmed glasses, beanies in spring and finding points of recognition in little things. oh yeah, did i mention i love gingers with freckles? that's unrelated but i wanted to fit it somewhere.


twss.