read on to hear my broken thoughts and insanely vague descriptions.

monday: completely dead tired -- at midnight i was kinda bawling and then i went back online on msn and talked with yk until 3 and it was a pretty cool conversation and yeah it made me feel better but back at school i felt really awkward with him because uh yeah but then he made a bird out of paper and it made me smile because i am a faggot and yeah but i didn't get a hug or anything so fail day.

tuesday: science exam was easy so i finished pretty early and i guess julian was avoiding me or something because he was supposed to take nicole and me to streetsville but ditched us so nicole and i went to square one and bonded instead. like it was great man. i mean niggas on the bus are fucking loud as hell but once we were at the mall it was good. i bought a clearance v-neck and a large button at hot topic ($15 total) and then we went to h&m where nicole got a really beautiful nautical bag and i got my spiderman ring from the little boys' section ($4). then we got hungry so i bought myself a chicken souvlaki dinner ($9) and she got a crepe with mediterranean salad and yeah i actually finished everything which made me feel like i spent good money. after that, mac store where we took gay photos, then we trekked to the chapters across the street and looked at some comics and she persuaded me to buy a two-pack moleskine with her and yeah so i did and now i have a moleskine and she has two (had to owe her $7). in total, i spent $35 which was cool i guess. that night i complained to julian for ditching us and we had a short, serious conversation where he told me he didn't trust anyone at joan and was asking me why i was scared of him and idk i was pretty confused and evaded the question and he sent me "if you don't want to tell me then don't the worst it'll do is leave me without someone to talk to" and it really hurt, like, double-meaning. reminded me that he was leaving and i wasn't his friend yet idk. so i cried a little but i told him i didn't like where the conversation was going and he sent "oh well then let's change to a happy subject!" and totally changed the conversation.

wednesday: i guess julian knew i was sad or something because he approached me in my usual early-morning gang and put his hand near my face and i was like "wtf" and he said "don't your grandparents do this?" and i realized he wanted me to bless him or something so i declined and it broke the ice and i showed him my moleskine and he read through it with a smile and yeah then i did my maths exam. i then went to vickie's house with aimee and lippa and pros and cons emerged; pros: i am on speaking terms with aimee WHICH WAS SO GREAT OMG YES! cons: after aimee left i didn't see the point in staying anymore since lippa was being a premenstrual cunt and he and vickie were just on tumblr so i left and they didn't even notice w/e i don't care anymore. so yeah i got home and went on msn and ranted to howard and yeah. then i invited brett to hang out thursday.

thursday: the morning was awkward again cuz i was just reading and julian was just sitting with our group and yeah ok i had my english exam which was easy and then i regrouped with howard, vickie and andrea and we walked home and texted brett and meredith. meredith came while i was serving everyone food (i made, like, 4 nutella sandwiches, three soup noodles and a batch of cookies) and it was a little awkward but after meredith came everything was cool so we went upstairs and i tried to get my network drive to work but vickie messed it up LOL and then yeah brett came and heehee ok gingers so yeah we were just sitting on the same couch and everyone was laying on my day-bed-sofa thing and we watched the exorcist and it was hilarious and yeah then howard left, we finished the film and everyone else left but vickie had to change her pad so i told brett and andrea to wait for her at the park and then while vickie was putting her coat on my mum came home SO WE HAD A MAD DASH TO GET VICKIE INTO THE BACKYARD and we thought the coast was clear but vickie left her phone so that wasn't great but yeah then my mum called me down cuz she found vickie and i got in a little shit but i told my mum someone put vickie's phone in my bag so i called her over to return it and she got all happy because she thought she caught me but yeah it was alright. meredith left and my mum was over it. then i went on facebook chat and talked to brett and we reminisced and uh we went over how we have on-and-off feelings or something and ""flirted"" i guess but it made me blush like crazy and he told me he liked me and yeah idk now.

friday: i had my music exam and my dad dropped me off at school at 7:20 like a twat so i stood in the stairwell by the window and texted with brett and apparently he was thinking about what would happen if we "got together" and worried we'd be like him and bailey but i told him i'm not much like bailey (or at least in my opinion) and i wasn't asking him to ask me out, anyways, because my life's too... weird right now. and then i saw julian walk onto the second floor so i followed suit and he came to my locker and sat on his french horn beside me and we chatted and it was nice since idk i felt like i hadn't talked to him in a while. he told me about his cawthra audition, and we talked of zelda and final fantasy and those kinds of things, but then someone had to open the locker behind us so we got up and walked to his locker, i sat with my usual people and he went down to the music room. the music exam was cool and then afterwards i met with nicole, gave julian a goodbye hug and he was like "i still didn't take you to streetsville..." so i told him he'd take me one day. then i went downstairs. then i realized nobody was there but before i could save myself from awkward suicide, nicole and julian found me again and we stood by the window for a while and various people came by and then i saw jeremy and attacked him well and proper because i missed him and seeing him put me in a super mood it was great. then nicole, julian and i decided to go to erin mills, but we missed the first bus so we chilled at nicole's house and had pizza and stuff. when we got to the mall, i got myself a bubble tea and we went to the food court so julian could buy some a&w and while he was doing that nicole and i talked about brett and julian and she told me i shouldn't just like someone because i had a chance with them and that even if julian leaves i can still be friends with him or something and that was true. then we had some fun convos eating onion rings and the like and julian tried tapioca and took the last of my bubble tea :(. then we saw karen and melissa, said hi and bye and then went down to the photobooth but much to julian's good fortune, it was broken, so we went to chapters instead. i jacked julian's facebook, threw some zelda at him, and then we all sat down and watched julian read spanish poetry and shakespeare out loud with much passion. then we looked at moleskines and stuff and nicole bought eco headphones and a latte and we stood by the bus stop and talked and laughed and they mocked me for various things but it was fun. his bus came before us so he hugged us goodbye and left. nicole and i talked about her performances and stuff and then when we got on the bus she put in her new headphones but they kept popping apart and it was sad ):
then i got home and my mum offered to take me for a haircut so we did and the woman gave me a shit haircut and my mum was pissed and yeah. a+ end to my week.

- i have to pay another $6 for a game i've only got to play once all week
- i've spent the week worried for exams and all i want to do is sleep
- my mother is on menopause which is like pms x 34840938504
- that stupid haircutter doesn't know what the fuck "side-swept bangs" are and now i have to pin them back
- i have a wall full of photos and important stuff and my mum wants me to remove it
- my "romantic" life is sad and confusing
- i'm getting yelled at for not doing things i was never told to do
- whenever i try to defend myself i get in even more shit for "talking back"
- i am going to get my hair trimmed shorter and i'm anxious about that
- nothing i do can be done right -- my parents apparently think i DON'T know this and have to remind me every. fucking. time.
- the frustration from all the stress is stinging my eyes and if i cry i am going to get more shit

you know exactly what to say to make me feel like shit and that's not fucking fair. i do one little thing wrong and you're fucking yelling at me, degrading and all that. all i did was put a little bit too little water in the fucking soup noodles i took time to make for YOU on a friday night when all i want to do is eat my own, and now my food is cold and you're COMPLAINING? WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH AND MAKE YOUR OWN FOOD? and don't fucking dare say "the only thing you're good at is lying" because I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. I SPENT THE LAST FOUR HOURS TENDING TO YOUR SON WHILE YOU WATCH YOUR STUPID MTV SHIT. you get mad over the stupidest things, you fucking moronic 50 year old.

"the pathetic thing i wanted to say to him on the phone -- but didn't -- was this: when you're a little kid, you have something. maybe it's a blanket or a stuffed animal or whatever. for me, it was this stuffed prairie dog i got one christmas when i was like three. i don't even know where they found a stuffed prairie dog, but whatever, it sat up on its hind legs and i called him marvin and i dragged marvin around by his prairie dog ears until i was about ten.

and then at some point, it was nothing personal against marvin, but he started spending more time in the closet with my other toys, and then more time, until finally marvin became a full-time resident of the closet.

but for many years afterward, sometimes i would get marvin out of the closet and just hang out with him for a while -- not for me, but for marvin. i realized it was crazy, but i still did it.

and the thing i wanted to say to tiny was that sometimes, i feel like his marvin."

i don't know if you meant for that text to hurt me but it did.

1) blackberry phones are overrated pieces of shit
2) blackberries are too bitter to be enjoyable
3) blueberries have practically no taste
4) people who make up childhood facts about themselves are stupid
5) people who criticize other people's music tastes are stupid -- exception to radio music because that doesn't count as a real music taste and listeners deserve to be ridiculed.
6) hitler was a great leader
7) nobody wants to see the screencaps of your gay-ass facebook conversations
8) "no homo" is the stupidest phrase ever. even if i were "homo", i wouldn't think to fuck your skanky ass, so you really don't need to give me any warnings.
9) all time low is shit
10) hating justin beiber is so brainless now that if i were to list "justin beiber is shit", it wouldn't be an unpopular opinion. regardless, he has absolutely no musical talent.
11) people who admit to being trolls are not trolls.
12) there are only a handful of funny people at this school, and the ones who repeat old 4chan memes are not among them.
13) wearing purple to spread word about homophobic bullying is stupid: people are bullied every day, they should all be acknowledged.
14) calling a musician gay (or a faggot, etc) is probably the least intelligent "insult" there is. so what if they're gay? what impact has that on their musical talent?
15) taylor momsen can sing. she can also pull off the clothes she wears. she makes her style work and her voice is edgy and refreshing.
16) channing tatum looks like he was hit in the face by a door. he cannot act, either.
17) did i ask what your religious views are? oh, right, no i didn't. i don't care if we have the same religious views or not, i don't want to hear your ranting.
18) girls who advertise the fact they play video games are stupid -- if all you do is blow things up in call of duty, yet don't know shit about zelda, pokemon or mario, you're insanely fake.
19) don't fucking insult nintendo games if you haven't had the decency to play them and i won't insult your first-person shooters.
20) megan fox is not the hottest.
21) calling girls hot does not make you a hotter girl.
22) if all you do is reblog people, yet somehow you have more followers than "tumblr famous" people, don't brag because you're not quality -- you just whore yourself out with follow-for-follows.
23) spacers and tattoos are attractive and take more guts than stud earrings.
24) just because picnik has a lot of fun effects does not mean you should use them all. but, then again, the use of blinding contrast and shitty quotes do distract from your ugly face :-)
25) people who are overweight should stop making fuckyeahchubbygirls tumblrs and work it off. and you wonder why people make fun of you? stop being a lazy ass.
26) making fun of a youtuber's singing is pretty harsh. if they like singing, why bother coming between them and that ambition they have?
27) celebrity authors really don't deserve to be best-selling author most of the time.
28) it takes more talent to write a beautiful, classical symphony than it does to write a pop love ballad made up of 10% meaningful lyrics and 90% shit.
29) the spiderman films are shit.
30) chuck norris jokes aren't funny anymore.
31) the heaven and hell, vices and virtues belief seems more like a ploy to not live your life to the fullest, but to live life as safely as possible so you can die anyways.
32) jersey shore has absolutely no purpose. why is it popular? so that you can watch people be idiots -- oh, right, i do that every day of my life!!!!!!!!
33) memes aren't funny.
34) tumblr makes me hate everything i ever love.
35) it's more tasteful to drink for occasions or celebrations.



omg compared to julian....

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*oh wow fuck you
*):
*i thougth you would be nice

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*no
*no

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*I GUESS YOU HAVE OTHER BEST FRIENDS NOW

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*i love you

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*OK
*FINE

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*NO
*NO

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*I'LL JUST GO

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*BABY
*PLEASE

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*AND TAKE MEREDITH WITH ME

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*DONT LEAVE ME

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:38 PM):
*HE
*HA
*MEREDITH IS MINE

Jeremy says (9:38 PM):
*FINE YOU CAN TAKE MEREDITH, BUT PLEASE DONT LEAVE ME
*<33333333333333333333333

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:39 PM):
*DRY, JUST BECAUSE OF THAT
*I WILL LEAVE
*THAT WAS MEAN

Jeremy says (9:39 PM):
*wha

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:39 PM):
*WITH MEREDITH IN MIND

Jeremy says (9:39 PM):
*LOL
*my plan was

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:39 PM):
*you would be a terrible prince, man

Jeremy says (9:39 PM):
*if you took meredith with you
*and i convinced you to stay

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:39 PM):
*"FINE, TAKE SLEEPING BEAUTY WITH YOUK, JUST DON'T LEAVE ME, MALEFICENT"

Jeremy says (9:39 PM):
*i would still have both of yous :3

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:40 PM):
*aw cute
*<3

Jeremy says (9:40 PM):
*I wouldn't wanna lose anyone, thats why =[

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:41 PM):
*omg that is the cutest thing in the world
*SIMPLY REMEMBER YOUR FAVOURITE THINGS

Jeremy says (9:41 PM):
*WHOA

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:41 PM):
*AND THEN YOU WON'T FEEL
*SOOOO

Jeremy says (9:41 PM):
*GTFO

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:41 PM):
*BAAAAAD

Jeremy says (9:41 PM):
*NO MORE TALKING
*FUCK YOU
*ASSHOLE

Jeremy says (9:42 PM):
*no
*you can leave :(
*that wass hertttttttttttttttttttttttttttttfal
*freaking brother... messed up... so much..

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:42 PM):
*LOL MEREDITH THO
*SHE TOLD ME

Jeremy says (9:42 PM):
*NO

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:42 PM):
*SHE WATCHED IT

Jeremy says (9:42 PM):
*DONT EVEN
*K

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:42 PM):
*AND ENJOYED IT

Jeremy says (9:42 PM):
*IM CLOSING CONVO

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*GOD DAMMIT
*WHY
*WHY

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:43 PM):
*AND THEN WENT TO WATCH THE ORIGINAL

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*WHY
*I HATE YOU
*NEVER
*TALK TO ME

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:43 PM):
*AND DIDN'T LIKE THE ORIGINAL AS MUCH

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*AGAIN
*ASS
*WOW

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:43 PM):
*SO SHE WENT TO WATCH YOURS AGAIN

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*LEAVE ME ALONE
*IM
*NOT EVEN
*JUSTE
*STOP

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:43 PM):
*CUZ SHE THINKS ITS SO CUTE

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*WHY ARE YOU CONTINUING
*NO
*I HATE YOU
*LEAVE
*NOW

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:43 PM):
*k true

Jeremy says (9:43 PM):
*=[ (U)... im sorry.

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:44 PM):
*that's right bitch

Jeremy says (9:44 PM):
*i hated that
*that was dreadful
*it was... dreaful
*i was sick
*my brother couldnt play because hes an idiot
*i was laughing
*actually
*it was supposed to be ajoke
*lol

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:45 PM):
*heehee she liked it ;)

Jeremy says (9:45 PM):
*"i hated it, but im going to tell erica i liked it"

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:46 PM):
*she was giggling and blushing when she told me

Jeremy says (9:46 PM):
*liar
*stop your liars
*you shouldnt be lying
*liar
*:(
*hurts my feelings

Jeremy says (9:47 PM):
*Chantelle says:
i'd rather just stick with jenny
Jeremy says:
awww
but family
Chantelle says:
or even just listen to music
i like music
a lot
xD
OMG
RAINDROPS ON ROSES AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS
xDDDDDDDDDD

Jeremy says:
FUUUUUCCCKK YOU
HOW DID EVERYONE SEE THAT
*another convo
*entailing the same shit

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:47 PM):
*LMFAOLMFAO
*LOLOL

Jeremy says (9:47 PM):
*YOU

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:47 PM):
*GO ON FACEBOOK

Jeremy says (9:48 PM):
*ARE
*AN
*ASSHOLE
*I SAW
*YOU CAN
*SUCK MY DICK
*WTH
*diD I DO
*TO DESERVE THAT
*AND LOOK
*SHE LIKED IT
*ARE YOU KIDDING
*ARE YOU KIDDING
*GET THE HELL OUT
*WOULD YOU STOP?
*CAN YOU:?

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:50 PM):
*<3

Jeremy says (9:50 PM):
*okay erica..
*you broke my heart

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*<333333333
*just
*rememeber

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*no

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*your

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*pleas

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*favourite

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*aslhdhbgfafds\g
*fdagd

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*things

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*fhd
*af
*hfd
*h
*afdh
*adgfd
*gad
*agfd
*gfdg
*afd
*g
*FUCK

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*and then you won't feel

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*FUCK

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:51 PM):
*so bad

Jeremy says (9:51 PM):
*WHY THE HELL AM I LAUGHING SO HARD AT THAT
*FUCK YOU

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:07 PM):
*so will you actually come to school? :)

Jeremy says (9:07 PM):
*oh jay.
*perhappens.
*... wow
*what a great word

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:07 PM):
*if you do, you cannot not see me

Jeremy says (9:07 PM):
*I cant believe i just amde that up

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:07 PM):
*gorgeousity is better

Jeremy says (9:07 PM):
*Perhappens.

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:07 PM):
*gorgeous + infinity

Jeremy says (9:07 PM):
*Gtfo.

▴▿ uureeeka! ▿▴ [ 896days as of jan14 ] says (9:07 PM):
*=[
*i want hugs

Jeremy says (9:07 PM):
*=]
*Troo.
*...u mad?
*TRUEEE
*TRUE
*TRUE
*TRUE
*... u mad?
*.... u mad.

Mystery: something that baffles understanding and cannot be explained.

It’s funny how the attribute could so easily be applied to the redheaded French girl, describing her in a single word yet leaving her completely unexplained. Nothing was known about her except, perhaps, the data contained in the various information logs contained by the school, secured to the nth degree.

However, describing her as a mystery resonated with false impressions: she was not some autonomous being, lurking in the shadows and barely parting lips to speak words. She did not keep to herself – on the contrary, she was uninhibited on matters of society. She spoke often and was more than just a school – she was like the spirit of the school, the person who introduced you to the school if she witnessed your cab pulling up to the estate. When she walked down the halls, various people chimed [b]”Bonjour, Scarlette!”[/b] and [b]”How goes, Scarlette?”[/b] Literally, she was popular – a shell of admiration, a rouge-haired Hermes with boundless enthusiasm to cloak the dark, inner turmoil inside.

If one took the time to really document her, though, they would notice that she rarely spoke about herself. While she may grace you with her favourite foods, her daily horoscope, or her morning regime, she would always be a mystery.

today i learned:

- not every guy i like is like my ex-boyfriend, meaning that they take flattering news rather well and don't make things awkward. ergo, proving themselves to be able to take more initiative than him. hee hee.

- it is, like, fated by the stars that gingers can't be best friends with me. i mean, if you can't talk to me, then what is it that makes us best friends, except experience?

- howard wong -- the tall, awkward, but well-sculpted chinese chef -- is a closer friend to me than the aforementioned ginger. in the short time we have spoken, howard hasn't called me a best friend, but exposed that he tells me more things than he tells most people. and, of course, he listens to me. ah, sweet kid.

- final fantasy XIII is a beautiful thing when it works on my xbox. hhh, such lovely graphics.

- THE ENTIRE TIME, SINCE I FIRST GOT MY XBOX TO THIS MOMENT, I COULD HAVE EASILY USED MY LAPTOP AND AN ETHERNET CABLE TO GIVE MY XBOX INTERNET AND THEN I COULD USE LIVE WOWOWWOWOW MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED!

you are a director

As a DIRECTOR, you combine an unusual openness and passion for beauty and style with confidence and a down-to-earth sensibility that allow you to realize your vision.

You are practical and pay attention to the details that others tend to miss.

By focusing on what is real and concrete, you achieve more than those who always have their heads in the clouds.

When it comes to what really matters in your life, you are confident in your ability to succeed.

Having beautiful things in your life gives you pleasure and satisfaction - you have a keen eye for style.

Even when problems present themselves, deep down you know you will overcome these challenges.

When routines get too familiar, you become bored and start looking for ways to spice things up.

You are open to new types of experiences – you are not afraid to take a risk on something new.

You have a highly developed sense of taste – you know what looks good on you, in your home, and in the world at large.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You do your own thing when it comes to clothing, guided more by practical concerns than by other people's notions of style.

You tend to believe that things happen for a reason, and that not everything is under our control.

If you want to be different:

Occasionally let yourself dream a little more, even if it doesn't seem practical or efficient.

how you relate to others

you are generous

Your awareness of those around you, along with your nuanced perceptions of the world at large, makes you the GENEROUS person that you are.

You value time to yourself and understand how rich your private world can be—you know that you don't have to go wild to have a good time.

You are excited and energized by ideas and often enjoy things more through observation than through experience.

This tendency gives you an appreciation for different perspectives and opinions about the world.

Being as aware of others as you are doesn't mean you find it easy to trust them immediately—this is something that happens more slowly for you.

Despite this, you are aware of the complexities of many situations and are reluctant to pass judgments on others.

Although you have fewer friendships than some people, those that you have are meaningful and are important to you.

You value spending time alone—it is while reflecting on the world around you that you often learn something new about yourself or begin to understand something that's been bothering you.

If you want to be different:

Given how attuned you are to others' thoughts and feelings, you might find that trusting people more is a way to broaden your perspective even further.

While you know how much can be learned from observing the world around you, remember that much of life can be lived by experiencing it, not just by understanding it.

i don't quite know how to describe this, but when i see he's online, my stomach does a little flip and i feel my head get a little light (a little bit). i don't talk to him but, i don't know, it's both intimidating (for he could see anything i post) and comforting (for if i want to, i could talk to him). just the feeling that he's somewhere there with the same website out in front of him is, while a really lame thought, a strange but nice one. and this isn't a completely new feeling -- i get it a lot -- but when his icon's gone and he's offline, i deflate just the slightest bit. i don't get sad, i wasn't talking to him anyways, but there's that retreating feeling that i have missed an opportunity.

tomorrow, or wednesday, or thursday, i'll tell him i like him.

this is honestly the first time since summer i've cried.

just that little action made me so happy

shit was so different i couldn't help but laugh and groan. oh god. what was wrong with me? in a way, i guess it taught me that phases don't last, and once you're over someone completely, you can truthfully analyze them for their worth. he was cool, for sure, and i cared a lot of him, adoring him like a brother, but i'm completely and totally over him.

perhaps i'm preoccupied with another boy, but this kid honestly is great. i'm taking great care not to say anything i'll regret within months or years. i'm surprised he talks to me and it pleases me greatly. omg i get butterflies WHEN HE DOES THAT STUPID HAIR FLIP OMG IT'S ADORABLE HONESTLY UGH OK not to mention -- may i say it for the millionth time now -- HE'S WELL FIT. AS IN, LIKE, VERY ATTRACTIVE. though he is physically fit. idk i feel comfortable around him. idk. i'll tell him this month -- I WILL! -- because, like i said, i've got nothing to lose except him WHICH IS A LOT but considering how my previous experiences with crushes go, this is probably infatuation and if he stops talking to me because i like him, i'll get over it.

alright, good.

so i learned people (andrea, victoria, meredith, anon) actually read my blog so hullo!
<3
i have improved it to your (hopeful) liking
anyways, i've decided on my career, since i was just a hopeful neurologist -- i've decided on psychiatry. i know i've always talked about the brain and stuff, but i am incredibly interested in mental and personal disorders and the different lobes of the brain aren't as interesting (well, they're interesting but i'm not completely passionate about it).
also, my blog has music and i love it it's a good song. i'll change the song often.
also, i'm going to stop holding secrets in, because the worst i'll get is rejection and possible negligence, right? that's ok. i don't have much to lose.

i've added my archive into the info part so you should see it and rejoice!
glad i got that fixed, feels good man.

- i want to be more fit