As hard as I tried to antagonize Connor to the point where I never wanted to hold contact with him – and prepare yourself for me contradicting myself – he wasn’t a person, a friend, a possible lover, and removing him from my life would never be as simple as pulling a hair from my head. Despite the fact that I didn’t readily believe it most times, when he interacted with me, I was as much a part of his life as he was mine – at least, as far as friendship goes.

Hence, when he called me one night in May, I felt obliged to speak with him, and I could tell he’d listen.

“So,” he started, to break from a prolonged silence after our greetings. “Why do I have the feeling you’re avoiding me?”

Now that I had spent time looking to see him as the bad guy, I felt that this wording made it obvious that I was supposed to deny him and tell him I wasn’t avoiding him, just busy with school or something. But that wasn’t true, and I was tired of being a liar. I clicked my tongue as I sorted my thoughts, just to let him know I was still there, and that I hadn’t hung up.

“You’re destructive, Connor,” I whispered into the phone.

There was another pause, on his part, and he continued. “I’m not sure how to interpret that...”

I sighed. “Trouble follows you wherever you go, but it’s never you that gets in trouble – it’s whoever’s with you. Since I met you, a lot of bad stuff has happened – good stuff too, maybe – but I can’t handle any more. I really don’t want to get hurt anymore.”

“So you’re just going to ignore me and see if that makes things better?” If his tone was a drink, it would have been equal parts sceptical and curious, with a twist of shame served on ice.

“I’m not just experimenting – I don’t want to sound lame, but you’re a really bad influence. My absolute best friend, who knows me like the back of his hand, won’t speak to me since I met you. I feel like I’ve sacrificed my friendship with him for you – and I don’t even know what we are!”

“What do you mean you don’t know what we are?”

I took a deep breath and could feel my insides flip. “Connor, do you like me? Do you have feelings for me?”

It was probably a question I had always wondered as I lay awake in the minutes before sleep, asking myself after making superficial wishes on the patterns in the time. Right now, though, I didn’t have the same feeling – I wasn’t asking for the sake of hoping he said yes, I was asking because I wanted to truth, to put an end to the confusion of the past few months.

“Uh... Charlotte, you’re my friend –” he started.

“Jesus Christ, Connor – friends don’t make out whenever they can.”

“Yeah, okay but –”

“Did we have something when we kissed?”

“I guess so – I didn’t know how I felt, Char. I just – it was all in the moment.”

“So I guess that means I threw away the longest lasting friendship with the greatest guy I know for something just ‘in the moment’, right?” I whispered at him ferociously. “You just used me as a girl to hang from your arms and to lend you some money to pay for your drugs.”

“That’s not fucking true, Char! You were really awesome and a good friend of mine –”

“Oh, you mean like how Damian was a good friend of yours? The good friend that you neglected the entire time you knew him? The one you probably still don’t know shit about?” I took a staggering breath and continued with my voice at a more level, calm tone. “I guess what Damian said the night he was hit was true, yeah? If I had met him before you, I probably could’ve been a better friend to him that you were. I wouldn’t have treated him like a little pet. If I liked him instead of you – which wouldn’t have been a hard thing for me to do, fall in love with him – all of this probably wouldn’t have happened, and I’d probably still have a good life, like the one I started out with before I met you.”

There was an awkward silence and I heard deep exhales on the other end. When Connor spoke again, his voice cracked – he was crying, or at least tearing up.

“You don’t think I treated Damian well? I loved him like my own brother; I was one of the only people he could talk to about his parents’ car crash. It used to be him, Matt and me – and we were really close. So don’t you fucking tell me that I wasn’t a good friend, because you don’t know the whole story. Don’t make judgements when you don’t know any facts, okay? I cared about him, and I care about you, always have. Did I love you? I didn’t know! I don’t just meet someone and suddenly think, ‘yeah, this is the girl I love; this is the one I want to marry one day.’ It’s a lot more complex than that!”

Maybe this was what I wanted to hear, and maybe I wanted to spend my days with him again, but I had to take decisions into my own hands, rather than let other people make them for me. I guess I felt like shit for blaming him for mistreating Damian, but I wasn’t going to take that back. I’m a stubborn girl who never likes to admit she’d lost a fight, and I’ve always been that way.

“Connor... I think we should just stay friends – actually, that’s not hard to say since we haven’t been dating this entire time. The kind of friends who don’t show public displays of affection.” I said in the calm way I’d seen my mother do it when I’d have to watch her coax a potential manic for “Take Your Kids to Work Day”. “And I guess you can take time to think if I really actually meant something for you, but if not, I really do hope you find someone who does. When you do, though, don’t lead her on unless you’re actually sure.”

And with that, I hung up the phone.

Now that I was officially out of leagues with Connor, the worries he had generally suppressed were surfacing again. I had to avoid Sebastian in the halls, Victoria probably wouldn’t mind to make my life hell if she ran into me, Oliver would remind me how I’m always alone, and I also had Connor to ignore for a while, too. He’d probably have a new muse in a couple of days, and I wouldn’t want to see that. Constant reminders of my past, and everything I’ve ever done wrong, those four were.

At work, Kenneth told me I’d changed, for the better. I had to agree, I guess, and I told him I was done with Con – he was happy to hear it. Overall, I had made better changes to myself, rather than to everything else. I still had other ties to mend, because I wasn’t going to let go of Sebastian without a fight, but it was good that I cut the addiction. Isn’t that how it usually worked in those Anonymous Help centres – admit to the problem to get over it, then they help you mend your families, debts and mental issues? If so, I was on the right track – if not, I didn’t have much to lose. I wouldn’t lose Meredith again; we were safe now that she knew everything. My parents were more supportive of me, since I explained to my mum, in one of our private therapy sessions, that Connor was the stem of these problems and I got rid of him. So I was basically ready to take on anything to get him back. Sebastian was my only friend for a few years, and now he was the only person in the world I was honestly afraid of.

Labels: nanowrimo