fate's a cruel mistress, girl

August 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 January 2012

ericamay, 25may1995, single forever, devoted to peter pan

charlieissocoollike, doctor who, peter pan, you me at six, i see stars, andy oliver, devin oliver, ribbons, bows, drummers, bright colours, black and white contrast, people who smile a lot, laughing, beats, rhythms, being good at something, fireworks, writing, sketching, details, internet, photoshop, graphic design, coding, paint, crayons, paper, plain goldfish, the colours green and blue, prince phillip, princess aurora, tinkerbell, neverland, disneyland, disneyworld, crush the turtle, chemistry, storybook romance, arctic monkeys, britain, irish accents, every accent, scottish boys, skinny boys, pale boys, collarbones, freckles, gingers, photobooths, madina lake, billy idol, chocolate chip cookies, toffee, tiny marshmallows, hot cocoa, good memories, bloodrushes, laughing, singers, musicians, good headphones, punching the backs of car seats while listening to hardcore music in parking lots, hugs, kisses, winter, sweaters, hoodies, scarves, snowflakes, eyelashes, pretty eyes, dark hair, blonde hair, straight hair, wavy hair, offensive humours, people who don't take things seriously, heated debates, awkward moments, having private concerts home alone, red pandas, sharks, weasels, minxes, puppydogs, kittycats, post-it notes, caring reminders, strawberries, raspberries, william beckett, matt smith, karen gillan, david tennant, alex turner, joe brooks, noah and the whale, mumford and sons, los campesinos, french people, foreign languages, magic tricks, illusions, photographs, macros, doodling people i know, doodling people i wish i knew, pens that flow smoothly, shortbread cookies, tapping my feet, high fives, pokemon, laughing so hard i cry, being told people love me, winning, swedish fish, candies, neil patrick harris, nerimon, frezned, danisnotonfire, alexisonfire, billy talent, taking back sunday, john gomez, brian dales, alex pettyfer, logan lerman, tumblr, squareenix, old names, music class, good friends, late-night confessions, hanging out anywhere, eccentricity, spontaneous people, people with good memories, being unforgotten, lyricists, air heads, scissors, kicking, unicorns, rainbows, miss rainicorn, adventure time with finn and jake, flapjack, we came as romans, architects, joy division, two door cinema club, emma watson, george craig, emma watson and george craig together, the hoosiers, old photos, chalk drawing, graffiti, skateboarders, bmx riders, comic fanatics, superheros, guys, candy in tin cases, pastel stars, pointless wishing, sweet dreams, morning messages, text conversations, honey on toast, apple jelly, internet memes, advil, motion city soundtrack, vampire weekend, rolo tomassi, people named connor, people named sebastian, william, james, oliver, owen, eoin, alexander, joshua, andrew, aaron, christopher, jackson, hunter, and the like, the afterlife kids, downloading music, new downloads, video games, rpgs, shooter games, screaming, all forgotten, arcade fire, the asteroids galaxy tour, kick ass, aaron johnson, christopher mintz-plasse, devon werkshire, thick rimmed glasses, flickr, hipsters, cute kids, never growing up, beastie boys, we are the ocean, blink182, chameleon circuit, john green, hank green, paper towns, the perks of being a wallflower, lewis carroll, c.s. lewis, absolute brightness, the chronicles of narnia, lockets, trinkets, mimes, golden pocketwatches, nifty antiquities, halloween, sewing, the click five, parkway drive, cold war kids, obscurities, confessions, bookstores, candy stores, inside jokes, walls of wonder, being awesome, skins, kaya scodelario, luca pasqualino, jack o'connell, nicholas hoult, max hewer, hannah murray,

and a number of other things...

ok, wrote all this tonight so enjoy if anyone reads this ok

1.11.10 at 7:31 PM

If you asked me – a younger me, totally innocent and totally incapable of foreseeing possible events – who or what the centre of my world was, it would be Evan, a hundred-percent, no hesitation. And that wasn’t just because I had lost everything I had ever known to be a family – no, that’s not the reason at all. If I could draw out some sort of illustration to perfectly describe how I perceived the friendship held between myself and Miss Sainstre, it would be pretty impossible to place. Sometimes, she was like a princess to me, and I didn’t like the thought of her ever getting hurt – she was my princess so that I was not her prince but her faithful, humble knight asking not of anything. Other times, she was competition – for a girl so small, she was quite good at things, if you looked at them so. I mean, she wasn’t perfect – at least, not visibly to everyone else – but she was pretty fucking close to it to me. She had a lot of things I wanted, and sometimes I was held in awe and envy at the condition and value of her living, and I have to admit when she showed her own jealousy at anything I ever did – as visible as the carbonic acid bubbling in a clear bottle – it gave me an ounce of pride for every three ounces of remorse. Somehow, I always felt that somewhere in her, she was proud of me, like no one ever was.

But fuck, now look at us. The fact I have/had known her for so long and so well, yet she had a problem eating away at her like maggots at a carcass, but hadn’t the slightest thought to tell me straight up so even my wispy, thoughtful, distracted head could wrap around it – that hurt more than her words, that sliced the air like daggers, leaving roses a vermilion hue to blossom upon my cheeks. They burned, my head ached, my stomach was in knots and I just wanted to throw up. It was like the one time I found a bottle of Jack hidden in my dad’s wine cabinet and downed the bottle – the next morning was fucking hell. This moment was fucking hell. You don’t know how quickly anything you’re feeling goes away once someone you love explodes at you. And nobody just explodes like nitrotriiodide to a feather – it takes build up like grimy sediment in a dirty pipe to burst it free.

[transition of perspective ok]

Once focused upon, the words were really harsh to Connor – completely so. Babying? Crying? Gossiping? So help him, God, since when had he ever even dared to gossip about his dearest friend? And this wasn’t even a sly attempt at finding some sort of remorse for himself – Evan was incredibly sweet and forgiving, and it would seem that after all those years and through so much history she would be, having understood him for so long – but he wouldn’t dare sink so low! That is something a devilish beast like none other than James would do, bless his soul! If a boy who couldn’t even notice his friend’s turmoil, nor the opinions of anyone else, being too distracted by the nature of simple things, knickknacks and the view from yonder skyline, what could cause anyone to think he’d be so keen to pull a stint so cruel?

Throughout, he hadn’t been able to get a word in edgeways, but it wasn’t like he’d even be able to muster a thing. Her bit about them not destined to be friends, though, cause his face to prickle with a heat not caused by the cool autumn winds. Evan and Connor – with their history, their pledges to never let a thing come between them – were standing there, future hung on a line like thread. Good or bad, the next while after this conversation would be like walking on eggshells – either they’d be on an awkward, uncomfortable level of timid kindness at the hope of not blowing a second chance, or they’d never speak again. He held his breath as her use of words added an unnecessary weight to his chest. It was like the week when he was little and taken to the ER for breathing complications and was given home an inhaler or two – except right now, he had no inhaler, and any sign of asphyxiation would also be a potential sign of escape – cowardice.

She allowed him to speak now, but his breath was still held. He closed his eyes and tried to steady himself – to stop the spinning of his head and the distortion of everything. He was confused. This was all a dream. Kids were passing by in sweaters and scarves, and Evan’s breath rolled out of her mouth in grey wisps, but he was not cold. Oh no, he was far from cold. He couldn’t bring himself to look into her eyes for a while, and after a few minutes, people began to resume their regular activities, no less noting the date and time for history books – the potential fall of the great proverbial monument that was their friendship. He didn’t know what to say, but he hoped she didn’t take that a wrong way. ”You really think that through all these years, that’s all I’ve been doing?” It was a shaky start, but a start none the less. His quavering voice should have given her some satisfaction, as it contrasted well against her strong, defiant tone.”Neglecting you? Antagonizing you?” He shook his blonde head and ran his thumb against his chin as he took a sharp breath. ”I don’t even know how I feel. I never know how I feel... But that really hurts. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel shit, but if you’re really that sick of me... God I don’t even know what I’m saying.” He looked over his shoulder at the steady bike rack he leaned on and sighed. ”I would never do anything to push you away... At least, not that I know of. And it’s not like we can even pinpoint exactly what it is I’m doing.” He was a jumble of thoughts spoken aloud, truth in all of his uncertainty. He wasn’t thinking what he was saying anymore, he just said whatever crossed his mind. ”I love you more than you can ever know, and nobody can ever take your place for me. It’s not even bullshit, Tink, and I promise you that over my most valuable possession...” Another pause. ”I may seem like the bravest, cockiest guy sometimes, Ev, but that’s only with things I understand. Give me a hundred-foot-tall ramp and I’ll defy it, a seven-story-building and I’ll jump it – without flying.”Connor’s voice dropped to just above a whisper. ”But when it comes to things that I can’t prove or understand, things I don’t want to think of – losing you, how I feel, changes, the future – I don’t want to even bother facing them. It’s childish and stupid, but I wish things could have just been the way they were... Everyone says that, I know, but as great as people I’ve met are now, Evan, I can never ignore how irreplaceable those days were, when I didn’t have to worry about talking to anyone else, you know, cuz I already had you?” His shoulders slumped and he readjusted his bag strap and noticed the deadly white knuckles of the hand that was gripping his orange juice bottle for dear life. ”I’m so so sorry, Evan...” He didn’t know what else to say – he was surprised enough he had gotten that much out. His green eyes focused on mediocre things around him in an attempt to avoid her piercing, angry eyes. He was almost positive hell had frozen over.